Salmond threatens to eradicate the Japanese

Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond, today revealed that if Scotland were to vote Yes in the forthcoming Independence Referendum, his priority will be to rid Scotland of ‘The Japanese Menace’. His speech, delivered to an enthusiastic and partisan crowd has caused a mixture of alarm and consternation in the Far East.

The Japanese Ambassador to the UK, Mr Keiichi Hayashi, has threatened severe retaliation from Tokyo should the First Minister carry out his threat. The Japanese Embassy confirmed it has contacted all of its citizens who are resident in Scotland in order to make contingency plans in the event of a Yes vote. 

Many leading politicians have also expressed their opinions throughout the day, including Nigel Farage, who admitted that while he agrees  with the First Minister in principle his instincts tell him ‘there are other more odious groups that should be taken care of first’.

There seemed little awareness of the diplomatic consequences of the speech within the confines of the Fife Horticultural Society in Glenrothes. One octogenarian member of the audience, who was nodding off moments before the announcement, suddenly burst into life, thrusting a pitchfork into an effigy of the perceived oriental foe, screaming ‘At last, a politician not afraid to tackle Fallopia Japonica, my Chrysanthemums may once more bloom again’, before he slumped into a hyperventilating heap of tweed and had to be helped back into his wheelchair.

This is just the most recent in a series of diplomatic blunders for Mr Salmond. In March he revealed in an interview with GQ magazine that, “once, Vladimir and I road bare chested across the Steppes  on top of a wild stallion with the aim of hunting down and wrestling to death a wolf we were to nickname Crimea”. On 29/04/14 Mr Salmond caused an uproar at the European Parliament when he produced a scientific report proving that the ancestry of all aquatic creatures can be traced back to Kenneth MacAlpin, and as such, European fishing quotas will be invalidated post independence as all fish will become Nationalised Scots.

The most embarrassing mistake for Mr Salmond came in  2002 when he famously refused to support the war in Iraq, feeling that there wasn’t going to be enough carnage for his liking. A decision he later came to regret once he saw the resulting bloodshed.

Today,  Prime Minster David Cameron apologised to the Japanese nation on behalf of the Scottish Government adding that, “even without a Putin loving, EU bating  xenophobic leader at the helm, Scottish Independence would be an unmitigated disaster, the Scots are happier when ruled by minds forged on the playing fields of Eton, it’s the natural way of things”. He asked the Scottish People to remain in the United Kingdom as he believes that “we are all better together, some better together than others and besides we already have several political options for those with racist, warmongering anti European tendencies”.

As the day drew to a close, the full diplomatic and political ramifications of Salmond’s latest faux pas remain unknown. However, one group of Glenrothes pensioners remain staunch in their support for the First Minister, as committee chairperson, Shona MacDonald explained, “You may consider me backward, but since my retirement one of my main concerns has been the state of my allotment, and now post independence I can rest assured it will be free of that nasty Japanese Interloper”. It seems it will take a lot more than an few international incidents to dent Salmond’s core support within this group of ardent nationalists.

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