Donald J Trump: Making America Grate Again

One of us is actually bald.

Too late now but the gist of this still stands. Trump is an eejit and he has just been elected to the biggest job on the planet. 

It was against the rules of common decency to inflict George W. Bush on the world. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that just like in the UK, Americans don’t have much of a choice.

Our elections are a race between two scabby horses, like deciding whether to skydive au naturale or to pat a hungry lion while wearing only a thong fashioned from wildebeast steaks. We have no real options and things tend to go tits up regardless. Saying that, you could have chosen to elect someone that didn’t look puzzled when confronted by an unfamiliar door knob. Bush was a man who spent two whole terms bearing the gormless expression of a deer stuck in the headlights of a parked mobility scooter. A man who possessed none of the oratory skills that you would expect to see displayed in a severely autistic Wookiee. You voted an eejit into the top job in the free world, and despite the fact he spent the whole time acting like a person who would struggle to beat a horse at scrabble, you allowed him to lead you into several unjust, costly and counter-productive wars, to erode many of your civil liberties and to facilitate the worst financial crisis in living memory.

We got all those nasty outcomes too but a least we could say we were manipulated by Blair’s beatific charlatanism. You guys got fiddled by Forrest Gump.

Then you managed to redeem yourselves a bit with Obama who, let’s face it, has been a bit of a disappointment. He hasn’t quite changed the world in the radical way many, including himself, thought he might. He was dealt a very poor hand and his ‘Yes We Can’ attitude has crashed against a very entrenched system but a least he could successfully eat a pretzel without hospitalising himself.  Even if he failed on his own terms, at least he displays some of the basic competencies of successful leadership. He is at least articulate, intelligent and inspirational. Unlike Bush, he makes America look half sensible to outsiders. He might not have achieved much but at least he doesn’t make the country look like an insane asylum. Which should be a minimum qualification for a leader in a civilised society.

With Obama we might have seen the death of political optimism. Those of us who were cursed with such an affliction have learned that against the system one talented leader with a powerful vision can not effect much positive change.

We get it here in the UK where with Brexit we just said “fuck sanity, where has that ever gotten people, let’s throw a grenade into the machine and see what happens”. What’s happening is our currency has lost its value, people are losing their jobs and everyone’s house would be more valuable if it was constructed with lego. However, at least after our political bomb went off we have been left with someone in charge who is semi-cogent. Theresa May might well be the devil incarnate but at least she is capable of reading “The Very Hungry Caterpillar”. Although, she did choose an Etonian educated cartoon bear to be Foreign Secretary.

Compare her to Trump, a man who is so singularly obnoxious that I have been forced to hide all my own household utensils in case he sneaks onto the news while I am opening a bottle of wine and I am driven to bore a hole in my skull with a corkscrew. A man whose verbal ability actually scores the same as a drunk 8 year old in the Flesch-Kincaid grade level test. He looks and speaks like he is conjoined at the brain to a windswept, monosyllabic, vapid, ritalin fuelled guinea pig.

America, I implore you, don’t let a rodent man rule the free world! I have nothing against human-animal hybrids but this rodent man is a bona fide maniac.

I like the idea of shaking up the old system but doing it with a person who openly espouses fascist ideology is not going to work. That idea was thoroughly tested last century in Europe and people who live in the countries that tried it pretend they are from Switzerland when you meet them on holiday. At least the Germans had the excuse of Hitler being charismatic. Trump says similar things but sounds like the Fuhrer may have sounded if he hadn’t shot himself and his Parkinson’s had been allowed to progress for a decade or two. If you are going to elect an evil super-villain as a leader at least elect one of the smooth-talking charismatic ones so we can at least try to empathise with the decision.

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Don’t get me wrong, Hillary grates as well, she actually sounds like the hull of an oil tanker scraping along the side of the Panama Canal. And she’s a white collar criminal. And having four members of two different families as four of your last five presidents doesn’t scream social mobility to me.

That said, I’d rather have pubic lice than syphilis and you will never ever be taken seriously again as a country if you elect a loud mouth, inarticulate, fascist leaning animate mop to the highest political office in the world. Hillary grates but Trump ramps that grating up to 11; imagine how annoying he is going to sound when he appears on live TV to announce he has just nuked Moscow.

In order to make America great as opposed to grate again how about working to ensure that next time you get to choose a president you have better political options. Lobby to reform your whole political system to make it fairer, cheaper and more representative. That’s what we have been doing here in Scotland, it’s a long slow process but we are getting there. In the meantime I implore you to choose the screechy establishment white collar criminal over the drunken 8th-grade fascist-rodent hybrid. If only because it will make you seem slightly less infuriating to the rest of the world.

If you are not convinced about Trump being unsuitable at the job, the good people at reddit have put together a list of proof that he is basically a fascist. Read the following list which has links to sources and still justify he should be President?

Highlights include:

• Trump openly calls for the U.S to commit war crimes and advocates for the murder of innocent women and children.
• Trump on torture: “Even if it doesn’t work they probably deserved it anyway.”
• Trump says the Geneva Convention is a problem and needs to be changed since US soldiers are too afraid to do their job due to laws which outline the definition of war crimes.
• Trump’s solution for high gas prices is to violate the Geneva Convention by invading several of America’s allies in the Middle East and Africa unprovoked to forcibly seize the oil fields for himself.
• Trump thinks lethal injection is “too comfortable” and wants to devise a more painful way to execute people.
• Legal experts find dozens of Trump policy propositions that would violate the constitution. “Trump is threat to rule of law.”
• Trump pledges to open up libel laws on newspapers in order to curb freedom of the press.
• When asked for comments on two of his supporters who brutally beat and urinated on a homeless man, Trump responds by defending the men as just being “passionate”.
• Trump says the Chinese government “showed strength” in response to the Tiananmen Square protests in which they massacred between 250 to 3,000 civilians and peaceful protesters.

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